Thumper Writes To Celebrities Who Will Never Write Back

Dear Luther,

Dude, you were way too young to go off onto the next adventure. We weren’t done with you yet; a great many of us were waiting impatiently for your recovery so we could hear your voice pouring like smooth melted chocolate through the stereo speakers again. The only good thing is knowing you’re gonna get your wish; just don’t step on your old man’s toes, okay?

Dear Tom,

Please. Stop. Really, just stop.

If you want to get up there and pontificate and say things to insult vast numbers of people on subjects you only think you know everything about, do what the rest of us do. Get a blog. Cyberspace was made for looking stupid and inconsiderate. I do it on a regular basis. It’s quite cathartic.

Just don’t get on national TV and tell Matt Lauer he doesn’t know anything about the history of psychiatry, because truthfully, you have no idea what he knows. Don’t rant about how Ritalin is now a street drug. So what if it is? There are tons of viable drugs out there that have become street drugs. Do we stop giving post-op patients pain medication because some kid on the street uses it for recreational purposes?

Thing is, you’re right about a few things. Psych drugs—hell, LOTS of drugs— are over-prescribed. There’s no real proof that chemical imbalances exist in the brain. But ya know, there’s no real proof that our bodies are inhabited by the remnants of an evil alien that we have to work to get rid of, but you don’t see me on The Today Show shouting at you because that’s what you believe.

Sometimes you have to treat the symptoms without knowing the root cause. Sometimes the responsible thing is to medicate the mom with post-partum depression before she drowns her kids in the bathtub, ya know?

Dear Orpah,

Was the Hermes thing really the most humiliating thing that’s ever happened to you? I understand having a knee jerk reaction to something upsetting, but for someone with your past, I have a hard time grasping that that is the most humiliating thing that’s happened in your uber-successful life.

On the other hand, I also understand that having been molested, growing up dirt poor, and all the other assorted crap you’ve been through wasn’t necessarily humiliating, but traumatizing. And I know that because of the color of my skin, I will never know what the slings and arrows of abject racism feel like when they penetrate deeply. So maybe it really was the most humiliating thing that’s ever happened to you.

If it is…count yourself lucky. There are hundreds of thousands of people out there who could trump the humiliation factor with stories that happened to them in junior high alone…shoot, ask any number of people who survived Parochial School. Like my bud Murf, who was punched square in the face by a nun right there in front of the entire church, all his friends, the priest, and God. All because he stuck a finger in his mouth when he felt like he was choking to death on the Host. Imagine being a 12 year old filled with a fiery belief in your church and religion, being cold cocked and told you’re Going To Hell because you dared to touch the Host instead of dying right there in front of everyone you know.

Here’s the thing, though…I haven’t seen you on TV saying the Hermes thing was all that humiliating. It’s all been “friends on Oprah SAY that…”

Yeah, I need to turn the TV off.



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