29 May 2023

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my mom's death. I spent the day feeling about 90% of all the feelings; I didn't say anything on Facebook, or anywhere else, because I didn't want any sorrow-laden responses (and I still don't, so...) mostly because though I was feeling all the feels, it wasn't predominantly sadness. 

A large part of what I mused on was what the parents were up to, wherever they are. Did they mention it? Are they even aware of milestone dates and the passage of time? Does it even matter to them? I mean, they are where they are and there's no changing that, and they might not want to even if they could. Do the little slings and arrows of life and relationships still make them bristle? 

Given another year or two, could she and I have narrowed the distance that formed between us, or would we have both stayed on our own sides of a bridge burned down by a situation not of my making, but one for which she was sure I'd picked the wrong side to advocate? 

(Vagueness aside, I didn't think I was picking a side; I thought I was working to get her to give up stubbornness where stubbornness was destroying relationships.)

She was also still pretty angry about a book I'd written. But I'm okay with that.

But, yeah...felt a lot of feels yesterday.

Today would have been their anniversary, 74 years. There's zero doubt that they would have seen it, had they lived. Face it, they made it to 60 before my dad died, and at that point, you stay even if you never say another word to each other LOL

Spouse Thingy and I hit 40 years a year and a half ago; unless something happens, I have no doubt we'll hit 60.

I have no doubt that next year, I'll remember and kinda celebrate my parents' 75th.

Milestones matter to me.

I kinda hope that the Boy will remember some of ours when we're gone, no matter what parental gristle we've left him to chew on. 

And you do leave that, no matter how awesome at the whole parenting thing you think you are. It's reason enough to forgive, even if you do find yourself pondering the what-ifs through your life. Parents and kids look at life through different lenses; they carry different baggage.

I think its worth remembering that the baggage you carry was largely packed by a 10 year old. Those things were important at the time, but might not be worth dragging through life.

And I know, it's much easier to say "let it go" than it is to do that.

Letting go is work. 

Totally worth it.

But...yeah. She's been gone 10 years. It doesn't seem nearly that long. I miss them both, a hell of a lot, and while I wouldn't go so far as to say I wish they were still here--because those last years were not kind to them--I just...wish.

Y'know?

28 April 2023

Holy fark, I did not realize how much dust has accumulated on this blog. It was not intentional; if you'd asked me, I would have said that it had been a month or two, max. I mean, I'm egotistically verbose...how could I go that long without hopping online and whining?

Then I remembered Facebook exists, and I've probably done my fair share of whining there.

Then I also realized that I haven't done a whole lot of writing in any medium for the last few months, because I cannot get comfortable sitting long enough to allow my brain to cough up the words and then get them onto virtual paper.

Early in January--like *right after* I signed up for a new fitness program, I wrenched my back. This itself is nothing new; I have a bad back. It always hurts. There is a constant ache right at L4-S1 and has been for a couple decades. But this was new; this started in my upper back, an agonizing 2-3" spot just under my shoulder blade near the spine, and I could barely move. Taking more than a shallow breath was problematic. I had never hurt that badly, and that's measured against having a tumor yanked out from the underside of my brain through my sinuses.

The big issue? I can't take NSAIDs. So no serial Ibuprofen to knock that sucker down to something tolerable. I took a single dose to hopefully take the edge off, and that reduced the fire about 3%, and after that I didn't dare take more (kidney issues...did you know your kidneys are the thing that filters NSAIDs? I didn't, not until I was told to avoid them, and only take if ABSOLUTELY necessary.)

After a couple days of that, and a whole lot of leaning on a heating pad, my lower back decided it wanted a fair share of the attention, too, and began screaming at me.

3 months later, and I am just now to the point where I can move like a normal person, though there are some things I cannot do well...like sit for long periods because the upward pressure irritates my lower back. I sometimes need helping standing. Getting up feels like trying to force open a rusty hinge. It's not pretty.

So what did I do? I signed up for a 100 mile virtual bike ride for April.

Because I am Teh Smart.

I can't get onto my road bike, but I was able to kick my leg up just enough to get onto a step-through, banging my toes onto the bottom bracket. Barely. It left me wishing for (and perusing online) a Low-Step frame, which still really tempts me. The miles have been sloggingly slow, but I should finish the month with 100.

And while I can't sit long enough to really write, I have managed to get some rewrites done, turned in a manuscript, grumbled at more requested rewrites, and now have a new bouncing baby book out there.

The Lost Boys of EveryWhen.
 

It took a long time to even start this book, because I missed my co-writer. But I still feel him whispering to me when I'm working in the Wick Universe, and once I got rolling, I really got rolling. Now the book is out there (and a lot of you, a pleasing a lot of a lot, read the beta version last year) for people to buy...yet I still haven't gotten my author copies. I dig the cover and just want to see it for real.

Hopefully today. I know a few copies were shipped and should have gotten here yesterday, so maybe today.

And hopefully, too, I can get further into the next book. I know there's one more Wick book in me, and the story has been bubbling in my head for a long time. I don't know if it will be the last one, but there are other things I would also like to write, and I am not getting any younger.

Hey, maybe I can write under my own name again!

There was discussion about that with this latest book: who's the head author? Max or K.A.? Would it matter to readers? Most of them know who Max was and who K.A. is, so if the switch was made, would if affect anything?

In the end, it came down to fairness to Max. I could not have started any of this without him. So he's the Forever Head Writer on all things Wick.

I still miss that little chit more than is probably healthy.

That's okay.

Okay, so now go buy the book. I want a new bike. One that doesn't hurt to get onto.