Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my mom's death. I spent the day feeling about 90% of all the feelings; I didn't say anything on Facebook, or anywhere else, because I didn't want any sorrow-laden responses (and I still don't, so...) mostly because though I was feeling all the feels, it wasn't predominantly sadness.
A large part of what I mused on was what the parents were up to, wherever they are. Did they mention it? Are they even aware of milestone dates and the passage of time? Does it even matter to them? I mean, they are where they are and there's no changing that, and they might not want to even if they could. Do the little slings and arrows of life and relationships still make them bristle?
Given another year or two, could she and I have narrowed the distance that formed between us, or would we have both stayed on our own sides of a bridge burned down by a situation not of my making, but one for which she was sure I'd picked the wrong side to advocate?
(Vagueness aside, I didn't think I was picking a side; I thought I was working to get her to give up stubbornness where stubbornness was destroying relationships.)
She was also still pretty angry about a book I'd written. But I'm okay with that.
But, yeah...felt a lot of feels yesterday.
Spouse Thingy and I hit 40 years a year and a half ago; unless something happens, I have no doubt we'll hit 60.
I have no doubt that next year, I'll remember and kinda celebrate my parents' 75th.
Milestones matter to me.
I kinda hope that the Boy will remember some of ours when we're gone, no matter what parental gristle we've left him to chew on.
And you do leave that, no matter how awesome at the whole parenting thing you think you are. It's reason enough to forgive, even if you do find yourself pondering the what-ifs through your life. Parents and kids look at life through different lenses; they carry different baggage.
I think its worth remembering that the baggage you carry was largely packed by a 10 year old. Those things were important at the time, but might not be worth dragging through life.
And I know, it's much easier to say "let it go" than it is to do that.
Letting go is work.
Totally worth it.
But...yeah. She's been gone 10 years. It doesn't seem nearly that long. I miss them both, a hell of a lot, and while I wouldn't go so far as to say I wish they were still here--because those last years were not kind to them--I just...wish.
Y'know?
