20 October 2021

 

I was kinda stoked to set up the Spouse Thingy's bike on a trainer...not just to give him indoor ride space, but that meant I needed a new trainer. A smart trainer. One I can (theoretically) use with apps like Zwift.

I got everything set up and hoped on this afternoon to calibrate the sucker...and was met with this message: 

PEDAL UP TO 22MPH 

Um. WHAT? I am a solid 14 mph rider on a trainer. I have never hit 22, not even down Dixon's only tiny incline. I began wailing and crying because life is not fair. Or maybe just swearing under my breath. But I was not happy.

I pedaled until I wanted to hurl, which took about 45.87 seconds, and I could only manage 20mph for a few seconds. I backed off, caught my breath, and started over. Same thing, barely touch 20.

So I engaged an unhealthy amount of grumpiness, got online, and searched for an answer.

"Check your tire pressure. Then do a 10 minute warm up. THEN calibrate."

Well. It certainly would have been helpful if the product app had said that.

So I added air to my tires. I reset the tension on the trainer wheel thingy (and that is totally what it's called.) I whined about it, because what else does one do when they're 99% sure their new, kinda spendy toy might not let them do what they wanted it to do? And I hopped back on (which looks more like climbing upon it slowly, tbh) and clipped in, started the app, and did a nice, 13mph warmup. I stopped pedaling when it told me to, touched the CALIBRATE button, and was again met with

PEDAL UP TO 22 MPH

Well, fork you, too.

"I can't GO that fast," I whined out loud. Probably loud enough for the Spouse Thingy to hear in the back of the house. But I started pedaling hard, leaned forward a bit because that's what real riders on TV totally do, and watched the numbers go up.

16 mph

18 mph

20 mph

21 mph

21.99 mph

SUCCESS! YOU ARE NOW CALIBRATED!

Bitch, you couldn't give me that last .01mph? I hocked up my lungs for you. They're right there on the floor, next to the contents of my stomach and half of my spleen.

Still.

For now, the damn thing is calibrated. I can now try to figure out how to hook up a laptop to the TV in front of my bike and then use Zwift, where I will not race but just ride around whatever little tracks they have laid out, and then whine because I am not going as fast as I do outside.

I might even check out FulGaz, where I can ride outside while I am actually inside, because why not?

I have a book on riding to write. Surely my editor will be so proud when 90% of it is done in my office while watching animated worlds slide by.

Oh, in other news, if I didn't mention it, I signed a contract to write a book about riding in your 60s. I am in no way qualified to write this book, but they asked and I get free stuff out of it.

Go me.