15 January 2021

January is half over and I have ridden a grand total of zero miles.

Ya…it has not been a great start to a new year. I am just now feeling better, but I’m also 99% sure I have an ulcer, which isn’t helping anything. The pain from that is not too bad during the day, but I wake up every night after roughly 4 hours feeling like I’ve been stabbed with a hot poker. The pain goes away if I get food into my stomach, so I’ve been taking a snack to the bedroom at night, and when I wake up, I eat.

It works.

And yes, I know I need to see a doctor. I’ve been putting it off because, ew, doctor-office-cooties, and also…my brain settles on the worst case scenarios and it has decided that if I go, I will leave that appointment with 72 different types of cancer and an unwanted mutant puppy.

I’m giving it through the weekend, and then yes, I will see him.

+ + +

For a lot of the time I was feeling like crap, I also did not feel like working. Or reading. Or doing much of anything. I was pretty sure that the day I dove into a good book and then pounded out several pages on the next Wick book (yes, it goes on without Max, but I suspect it will still be his book, because…Max) that I was on the upswing.

What I still haven’t done, though, is ride. But I think today will be the day, if not heading outside, I’ll get a slow start inside. The bike is up on the trainer, ready to go—I checked the tires last night and made sure the TV was signed into Netflix—I just need to get my ass on it.

+ + +

He was a cinnamon donut freak, too...
Something stupid but also kinda major… I ate cinnamon toast last night.

I haven’t been able to bear the idea of it since Max died. Every time I thought about it, the memory of him jumping onto my lap and eating it from the other side slapped at me, and I just couldn’t. He was a little freak where cinnamon was concerned, and the last time I’d had it was towards the end for him; as much as it had to hurt to get up on the loveseat and then make his was across the arm of it, onto the footrest of the recliner, and then my lap, he could not resist.

And yes, I let him take bites. I would have given him anything at that point.

I honestly thought I would gag on it and could have gone the rest of my life without it, but… yeah.

The Spouse Thingy has been the same way with chicken salad. He hadn’t been able to open a can of chicken because that was his thing with the cats…he got the chicken and they got the water with little bits of meaty goodness floating in it. Buddah got to lick the mayo spoon.

I don’t think he’s had any since Buddah died, but this morning I noted there was a chicken and mayo-smeared bowl in the kitchen sink.

It made me happy.

And also a little annoyed because the dishwasher is RIGHT THERE.

+ + +

All right.

Off my asterisk to actually do things other than drooling while watching TV.

I have lottery tickets to buy.


Milo and Alfie Marshall said...

Please take care of yourself. Grief lowers resistance to ailments, so seek medical opinion soon. Very best wishes.
Jan x

Random Felines said...

It helps when you get to the point where the things and the memories stop breaking you.

And you get mutant puppies at your doctor? Im moving....

Cobalt said...

Love to you all.

Susan said...

Sounds like me 5 years ago. Putting one foot in front of the other, crying every night for 6mo when everyone was asleep. Sour Cream and Onion Pringles, out, Vanilla and key lime yogurt out, lite Caesar dressing and. I still don't eat them. He would come from anywhere in the house to eat them. He propelled us to a kill shelter and guided us straight to 2 kitties on the list because they were sick . Check with your doctor, sounds like an ulcer or heartburn from morning sickness 😉

Mark's Mews (Ayla, Marley, and Laz) said...

The cinnamon toast and chicken salad are great memories/remembrances. Don't let them go. Enjoy them and remember Max.

When Max passed over The Bridge, I bought a jar of Gerbers Chicken for The Mews. I recall you mentioning he loved that. It was a ceremonial dinner.

You mentioned lotteries. I save money every time I don't play. But "Max" equals "13 1 24 " if you like that sort of thing.

Peace to you and wonderful memories of all the cats who came before.

messymimi said...

Had ulcers back in the day when they didn't know it was caused by a bacteria. They blamed you for your tension causing it, told me i was a Type A personality. Bull.

Hope you feel better soon, and keep eating the cinnamon toast. Max would probably like knowing you are still enjoying it, as he has his share and extra if he wants it where he is.