29 May 2023

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my mom's death. I spent the day feeling about 90% of all the feelings; I didn't say anything on Facebook, or anywhere else, because I didn't want any sorrow-laden responses (and I still don't, so...) mostly because though I was feeling all the feels, it wasn't predominantly sadness. 

A large part of what I mused on was what the parents were up to, wherever they are. Did they mention it? Are they even aware of milestone dates and the passage of time? Does it even matter to them? I mean, they are where they are and there's no changing that, and they might not want to even if they could. Do the little slings and arrows of life and relationships still make them bristle? 

Given another year or two, could she and I have narrowed the distance that formed between us, or would we have both stayed on our own sides of a bridge burned down by a situation not of my making, but one for which she was sure I'd picked the wrong side to advocate? 

(Vagueness aside, I didn't think I was picking a side; I thought I was working to get her to give up stubbornness where stubbornness was destroying relationships.)

She was also still pretty angry about a book I'd written. But I'm okay with that.

But, yeah...felt a lot of feels yesterday.

Today would have been their anniversary, 74 years. There's zero doubt that they would have seen it, had they lived. Face it, they made it to 60 before my dad died, and at that point, you stay even if you never say another word to each other LOL

Spouse Thingy and I hit 40 years a year and a half ago; unless something happens, I have no doubt we'll hit 60.

I have no doubt that next year, I'll remember and kinda celebrate my parents' 75th.

Milestones matter to me.

I kinda hope that the Boy will remember some of ours when we're gone, no matter what parental gristle we've left him to chew on. 

And you do leave that, no matter how awesome at the whole parenting thing you think you are. It's reason enough to forgive, even if you do find yourself pondering the what-ifs through your life. Parents and kids look at life through different lenses; they carry different baggage.

I think its worth remembering that the baggage you carry was largely packed by a 10 year old. Those things were important at the time, but might not be worth dragging through life.

And I know, it's much easier to say "let it go" than it is to do that.

Letting go is work. 

Totally worth it.

But...yeah. She's been gone 10 years. It doesn't seem nearly that long. I miss them both, a hell of a lot, and while I wouldn't go so far as to say I wish they were still here--because those last years were not kind to them--I just...wish.



kenju said...

I get it. My mom did in 1985 and dad in 1995. She was buried on their 50th anniversary. I made it to 58 1/2 and I'd have given anything to make it to 60 - but it was not meant to be. I'm sad, but I will remember all the milestones and call attention to them because I think they are important to our children and grandchildren!
I get it, because my mom and I went not on the best of terms before she died. I wish we had had time to change that, but, like you, it would have required me to give in to her insanity, and I couldn't. I hope to stop feeling guilty someday - for things I didn't do.

messymimi said...

There's a lot to just wish.

And no matter how long we have them, it isn't long enough.

Anonymous said...

My mothers 10 year anniversary of her death is also this year. July 4th to be exact. It’s gotten better over the years but it’s tough when a milestone falls on a holiday. You just can escape it nearly as easily. I do also have a lot of wish. My dad died when I was a kid in 1966.

Angel, Kirby and Max said...

I lost my Mon 13 years ago. Mothers day weekend. It takes a lot to celebrate.
Mom and I were not as close as we had been, I had to be the bad daughter when she refused to do what was right or needed in her last years. I will always be thankful to my sister's nursing career because she took care of her. I lost mt Dad in 20 years ago. Yes, I did love them ans I do miss them

Vicat said...

Cookies is a helluva book