3 February 2010

Clearly, IKEA was created by minions of the devil.

There is no other explanation.

First, they trap you in the maze; you enter and begin to browse, but you have to follow the designated path to get from point A to point B, lest you miss any of their fine, fine furniture and textiles. Oh there are "shortcuts" but those are always blocked by little old ladies on scooters with dead batteries, or groups of non-English speaking tourist who don't grasp "May I get by you, please?" Nor do they get, "Move you ass before I drop kick it."

So you walk. And you walk. And they tease you with blue signs with arrows that proclaim "THIS WAY TO SELF CHECKOUT," and since you're thinking "I damn well need to check my self out of here!" it's a welcome sign.

But alas, it only directs you deeper into the maze. Because without the maze, you might miss the fact that you can buy MALM chests of drawers in FOUR DIFFERENT SIZES! or 523 different brightly colored duvet covers!

Eventually, you realize you are almost there. You're waking through the warehouse of boxes, with the checkout registers RIGHT THERE, and you know that you'll be able to pay for your treasures and get the hell out.

But then.


Then you are tortured with the aroma of freshly baking cinnamon rolls. And your mouth begins to water. And you want one. So badly you want one.

But you're dedicated to losing weight.

But they smell so good.

So you do the only thing you possibly can. You pay for your stuff, step just beyond the cash register, drop to the floor, and curl up in a ball of quivering, hungry, dieting flesh, and then your head explodes, because they never intended to let you get out of there anyway.


The Meezers or Billy said...

LOL. so very very true. I refuse to go into that evil place anymore.

kenju said...

I've only been to Ikea twice, and I would love to go back! You didn't mention the kitchen wares. That's where I get stuck. They have a dish brush with a suction cup on the end so you can stand it up to drain. I have one and I want 10 more so when they wear out, I always have another one to use!!!

Anonymous said...

went to IKEA only once. Escaped with my sanity intact and NEVER have been willing to risk it again. HATE their furniture (but the catalog is so cute).

Angel, Kirby and Max said...

I have never gone to an Ikea! I hear they are remodeling ours so the maze is easier to get trapped in!

The Whiskeratti said...

Errrrr... are you hungry, by any chance?

Gemini and Ichiro said...

You could always give in and eat... Of course my human barely resisted but she did!!!

The Furry Bambinos said...

Finally, an accurate description of the IKEA experience! I think IKEA is actually a social psychologist's experiment to observe human reactions to frustration. What I wanna know is, what IRB approved their research?

Um, yeah, we hate IKEA too.

Mom Sue to the Furry Bambinos

Shaggy and Scout said...

Do they have those $2 breakfasts at your store too?? They fill you up so you move at the pace of a slug. The better to slow down & see it all.
Then you need the cinna rolls to re-energize at the end.
BTW, did you find what you were looking for?

Beau Beau & Angie Over the Bridge said...

Mom said she would not go back to ikea land unless she had serious anti zyetty drugs in her so she would not freak out when she could not find her way owt of the store from hell.

Sleepypete said...

I got hit by something similar today in our Mall.

I was walking on the upper deck when I walked over where the cookie shop is located below.

Hmm ... cookies ...

I was saved by there being a big queue of other people who had been pulled in by their inner Cookie Monster. Hated of queues triumphed over my Cookie Monster.

Priscilla said...

I am embarrassed to admit this but I've never been to an Ikea. There just isn't one in our neck of the woods, so, well, maybe someday.

MomBean said...

Sadly this is where I have to admit that I am, in fact, a complete and total IKEA-junkie.