Thumper Thinks Out Loud

As inspired by a thread at pamie.com’s forums
Dear So-And-So…

Dear Lady in Ralph’s grocery store:

Thank you for having the guts to stand up to your kid. For not putting up with a whiny temper tantrum, and sparing the rest of us from it. We could see the kid was tired. And he really wanted that candy bar (eh, so did I, to be honest.) And he was intent on letting the whole world know it. But unlike hundreds of other parents I’ve seen, you stuck to “no” and when he started his meltdown, you picked him up, apologized to the clerk for leaving your cart—which you said you’d be back for later—and left. The clerk didn’t mind and the rest of us are very grateful we didn’t have to be in line behind you listening to him shriek. Thumbs up.

Dear Lady in the Costco parking lot:

Look, I stop for pedestrians 99.9% of the time in parking lots,and I've never run one over. It’s hot outside; you want to get inside. I can turn my A/C on if I have to. And I’m never in so much of a hurry that I’ll cut off someone on foot just so I can get 50 feet further down the lot. But come on…at least look before you step out in front of my car. Don’t just assume I’m going to stop. What if I wasn’t paying attention? What if the sun hit my eyes wrong at the precise moment you stepped out in front if me and I didn’t see you? Yeah, I’m only going 5 mph, but that’ll hurt, you know.

Dear Costco:

Thank you for your gas being cheaper than anywhere else. It only hurt a little when I filled up today.

Dear Thyroid:

I hate you.

Dear ABC:

Please rerun Lost from episode 1 all the way through. Some of us missed it and realized it would be confusing to jump in partway through. Oh, and while you’re at it, pick up Joan of Arcadia since the dorks at CBS were too stupid to renew it.

Dear Spike TV:

Please stop running reruns of Star Trek: The Next Generation from 1-3 p.m. Instead of working, I keep watching them. This is not my fault; this is yours for having them on when I should be writing.

Dear Stomach:

Stop growling lready. You had lunch an hour ago and dinner isn't for a good 3 hours. You're not getting anything, so knock it off!

Sincerely,
Thumper