Hello, I’m Thumper, The Human Pin Cushion…

So. The techs in the lab don’t like me. The techs in the ER don’t like me. And now the techs in Nuclear Medicine really don’t like me.

I warned them up front, I’m a hard stick. But they hear that all the time and then pop the IV in with no problems, so when they heard it this morning, I’m sure the first guy was thinking “suuurrrrrrrre you are.”

Then he tried to find a vein.


In comes the 2nd tech. He’s Super Vein Finder, able to stick a catheter into a vein in a single blink. He snapped on his rubber gloves with an “I’ll find it!” attitude and proceeded to probe my arms for the Perfect Vein.


Okay, not “Ha” so much as “Yikes” when he’d stuck me for the 4th time. So in comes tech #3. I don’t think he’s Mega Super Vein Finder, just the unlucky sap who was next in line. He finds a vein--yay--but as soon as he jabs the needle in, it collapses.

By now there are 4 techs standing around this furry little medical freak show, because none of them can believe how long it’s taking to do something they usually do in less than 3 minutes.

After sticking me for the 7th time and getting nothing, they decided that I must lie flat on my back with my arm extended beyond the capabilities of human ligature, while two of them rubbed and poked and slapped my poor flesh…whereupon they found a vein. And they scrambled to poke that sucker before it decided to hide.

It took 40 minutes, but they finally had an IV in.

Oh, and to give them credit, I only felt one of those pokes. They used tiny little needles and catheters, so it wasn’t as if I was in agony. I simply made them earn their pre-tax $16.50 for the day.

The rest of it was anti-climactic. They injected me with a radioactive tracer material—and I am waiting my Super Powers to show up any second now—and I spent the next hour lying flat on my back in a wickedly cold room. This was followed by another half an hour of lying in the same wickedly cold room, but with a blanket (nice tech realized I was shivering and covered me up and tucked me in before starting the next phase of the test. I big pink puffy heart’d him right then…)

The goal was to make my gall bladder spew forth its contents while they took not-so-technicolor pictures, in order to figure out if it’s working right. I was afraid that last part of the test--which mimics having eaten a fatty meal--would send me into insane amounts of pain, but it was fine. It may attack me later, but up until now it's been fine.

Oh, and last night’s fries weren’t that great. I was actually afraid to eat them, so I only had a few with my plain McD’s burger. Yes, I was a weenie.

Now I wait. The results should be in within 5 days.

Hopefully by then I’ll have my Super Powers, and will be able to glow in the dark at will.

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