Dear Lee Spencer,

Congratulations on your foray into the wonderful world of buying a home. Or at least in your attempt to secure information on mortgages. The Internet is a wonderful thing, eh? Go online, and in one fell swoop you can contact 32 dozen different mortgage lenders and ask them to send you information regarding their services.


You may be wondering why none of the participating companies has contacted you yet. You’re probably sitting there by your phone, sweat dripping off you in fine beads of anticipation, your heart racing each time it rings. And every time you’re disappointed because it’s only your mother or best friend calling to see how you are or if you want to go out for pizza and beer.

I can tell you, though, that the mortgage companies are very interested in your inquiries. The problem is that when typing in your personal information, you gave them the wrong phone number. How do I know this? Because you gave them MY phone number.

For the past couple of days the phone has been ringing with amazing regularity, and because my Spouse Thingy works nights and sleeps during the day, I haven’t been able to just let it ring and let the answering machine pick up. So far I’ve had to tell at least 10 companies that Lee Spencer does not live here. One person even asked me if I knew what his true phone number was. Sadly, I did not have that information to impart.

So don’t feel badly, Lee Spencer. Those companies do want to lend you money, but it does them no good to talk to me instead of you.

I just thought you’d want to know.

And please email me your phone number. I will give it to future mortgage callers, and I might even call you up myself and let you hear this new musical piece I’ve written. It’s called Symphony of Airhorns.

It’s quite lovely.

I swear.

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