Thumper Thinks Out Loud

[scene]

A black and white tuxedo cat jumps onto the lap of a very tired looking middle aged women. She is holding a book; the cat head butts it out of his way so that he can look directly at her face.

MAX
Meow.
Hey.

THUMPER
(sighs)
What?

MAX
Meow meow meow meow.
I want something to eat.

THUMPER
You had dinner already. You don’t need anything else.

MAX
Meow meow meow!
Yes I do!

THUMPER
Can I just read my book?

MAX
Meow. Meow meow meow meow meow.
No. Get up and feed me.

THUMPER
There’s dry food in there, you know. Go eat that.

MAX
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
If I want crap, I’ll graze in the litter box.

THUMPER
(she tries to lift the book so that she can read; the cat pushes it away)
You hate me, don’t you?

MAX
Meow meow meow. Meow meow.
I tolerate you. Feed me.

(Max rubs his head on the edge of the book.)

MAX
(cont’d)
Meow, meow meow meow.
See, I’m being cute.

THUMPER
You’re adorable. Go play with Buddah.

MAX
Meow meow meow.
Feed me first.

THUMPER
No.

(She picks the cat up and puts him on the floor, then heads into the kitchen, where she makes herself some toast. Max follows.)

MAX
Meow meow meow meow? Meow meow meow meow meow?
What are you doing? Are you getting yourself food?

THUMPER
Sucks to not have thumbs, eh?

MAX
Meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meowvv meow meow meow meow meow meow.
I hate you, and while you are asleep I am going to eat your face off.

THUMPER
Don’tcha wish you were a person and could get a snack whenever you want?

MAX
Meow. Meow meow meow.
Die. Die right now.

THUMPER
(reaching into pantry)
Here. You can have a little treat.

MAX
Meow meow meow.
Don’t patronize me.

THUMPER
(shakes a few out into her hand)
If Buddah hears, he gets some, too.

MAX
Meow meow.
Bloody hell.

THUMPER
(setting the treats on the floor)
Happy now?

MAX
(inhales treats)
Meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow, meow.
No. But at least your pillow will be poop free tonight. No guarantees about keeping your face, though.

THUMPER
Yeah, I love you, too.

MAX
Meow meow meow meow. Meow. Meow meow. Meow.
You may go away now. Go. Right now. Leave.

(Thumper wanders back into living room)
5 minutes later

(the cat re-enters the living room)

MAX
Meow meow. Meow meow. Meow meow meow meow…
I’m hungry. Feed me. Feed me right now…