Thumper Goes To The Library

Dear Guy In The Blue Honda:
Get off your freaking cell phone and SLOW DOWN. You’re doing at least 30mph in a PARKING LOT. If the conversation is that important, pull into one of those nifty places bordered by the little white lines. Guess what! They’re meant for people to park their cars in! You can sit there and talk and not be terrorizing the people trying to get into and out of the library. Oh, and I’m also laughing at you, because when I pulled in there was a cop at the other end of the parking lot, and you, Mister I-Must-Get-To-The-Exit-In-1.2-Seconds, are headed right for him. I love the sound of a cop car going “whoop-whoop” after seeing an idiot headed its way.

Dear Lady With The 1 Year Old:
He’s not bothering me. Really, he’s not. Your kid is at the age where he loves the sound of his own voice and he’s just so freaking happy to be ALIVE. He’s not screaming, he’s not shouting, he’s not running around and knocking things over. He’s simply talking to the books and the tables and the carpet and he doesn’t really understand “library voice.” Sure, keep reminding him (using your own library voice) that he needs to quiet down, because over time he will learn to speak softly in the library, but don’t stress over it. The place is nearly empty, and there’s only one person in the Quiet Study Area, and that’s me. Everyone else is on the computers, surfing for porn and looking at Ebay. Kudos to you for bringing him here; hopefully he’ll learn to love this place and will think it’s the Best Treat Ever, and will devour book after book after book.

Dear Guy In The Library On The Cell Phone:
Now you, you are bothering me. You’re not only old enough to know what a library voice is, you should be old enough to realize that the whole world doesn’t want to listen in on your side of the conversation. Answer your phone; I don’t mind that anymore than I would mind if you were talking softly to a companion. But stop shouting, for cripes’s sake. Really, what is it about a cell phone that makes people talk 5 times louder than normal? I don’t want to know how much your brake job is going to cost and I’m not impressed that you bought your girlfriend a personalized license tag frame for Valentine’s Day. Hang up and go surf for porn.

Dear People Who Run The Library:
I freaking love this place. In spite of the guy on the cell phone and his many, many clones. This is seriously one of the best libraries I’ve ever been in, and I am going to write an entire book here. Now if you only sold Diet Coke, or would let people bring in Diet Coke, I’d be in writer heaven...


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