Dear a$$munch who thinks mugging little old ladies is a good idea:

Man, you showed a hell of a lot of class, beating up a 101 year old woman. Such bravery. There you stood, with her walker between you, slapping the snot out of her, just to get her purse with $33. Oh, you expected a better take? I suppose that's why you followed it up by mugging an 85 year old woman. You mother must be so proud.

And ya know what? I'm no Mike Tyson fan, but I think if you're ever caught, instead of just throwing your sorry butt in jail, you should first be tossed into a UFC octagon with Tyson. Let him show you how it feels to be hit by someone that much bigger and stronger. And then you can retreat to the relative safety of a federal PMITA prison, where Bubba and his special friend DubbaBubba will take you under their wings, and you can become their very special friend.

Dear Lady In Walmart:

You, too, have a lot of class. Why, I was so very impressed when you called your mother a fucking moron because she didn't know how to release the clasp on the baby carrier. And the moment was made Even More Special by your other three kids witnessing this Hallmark Event. It's nice that you're showing them now how you want to be treated in 25 years. Every parent should lead by example, you know. What a shining example you are!

Dear Other Lady in Walmart, the one in the McD's:

Thank you for telling your kid "Sweetheart, it's fries. You don't have to eat fries. It's ok to change your mind. I'll go buy you the apple slices if you'd rather have that." And then you did. You threw away the fries and bought your kid the apple slices. Too many parents would have gotten pissed off and snapped "You wanted them, eat the damned fries." Heck, I probably would have grumbled about the paying for uneaten fries and wouldn't have replaced them with something else. I'd like to think I would, but I'm not sure... Your kid will remember your patience long after he's forgotten about the fries.

Dear little kid in the Walmart McDs:

Thank you for offering me your nickel so that I could buy real food. I really only wanted a drink, and that's why I only bought a drink, but you are very sweet, and I hope you never lose that.


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