10 April 2020

I am so freaking tired. I am the kind of tired where everything coming out of my mouth probably sounds bitchy, even when I don't mean it to be. Someone might want to warn the Spouse Thingy.

Over the last week I don't think I've slept more than 5 hours at a time, and the last 3 nights, my longest stretch was 4 hours. Usually my insomnia starts with a thought that zips through my head, which triggers another thought, and then 5,827 things are thundering around in there, and I just can't sleep because of it.

Nine times out of ten, it's pieces of a story worming out of the gray matter, connecting with other pieces, trying to become a Real Thing.

I've been pondering work while trying to fall asleep, sure, but this not sleeping has little to do with the bees in my brain and everything to do with trying to be a Good Little Citizen and staying at home, not outside wandering the aisles of Walmart and the grocery store with a hundred other people.

I'm just not tired enough.

I've avoided doing my favorite thing, long bike rides, because of the chance that something will happen, I'll wreck or get hit, and then take up space in a hospital, space I shouldn't take. I'm more concerned with that than the notion that I am in a couple of risk categories and contracting COVID would be a bad idea...even though, right now, beds are not in shortage in CA, I don't want to be That Person, the one who has options at home but chose to not use them, and who did something risky that then impacts someone else.

It makes sense in my head.

I have options here. We have a perfectly good treadmill--and it's a really good one--and a nearly top of the line rower.

I have a bike up on a trainer on my office, conveniently parked in front of a fairly large TV with Netflix and Amazon Prime and CBS All Access, and a bunch of other options.

I even use them. Well, the bike mostly. Training for the 3 Day had kinda ruined walking for me and the treadmill now feels like torture.

But it's not the same, and it's not enough.

Until now, I didn't realize how much ancillary moving I typically do. Walking around the store. Going places where walking is just part of it. Getting up and doing. Granted, there are lots of things I could be doing, but even those things (side-eye to the kitchen) don't take much time or effort. I did the major thing, completely rearranging the bedroom, which required a lot of heavy-ish lifting, and deep cleaned it and Max's bedroom...but the rest of the house doesn't require that much effort.

I need to get out and do all the things I normally do.

Yet, I won't.

So now I'm stuck in this Catch-22 of not being tired enough to sleep, and being too tired from lack of it to do much of anything else around the house.

I suspect what comes next for me is embracing my inner night owl, staying up until 4 in the morning and sleeping as late as I can. Fingers crossed that Max and Buddah can adjust as well, because those furry little bottomless pits like being fed every 2.5-3 hours during the day.

And despite the whining...this isn't hard. It's just staying home and being lazy. I'm a damned professional at that. I have books, TV, Internet, and I enjoy my work. I would just like it a whole lot more if I could sleep like a normal person.

This might be my new normal, tho.

It really sucks to be a night owl when you're night blind...