7 June 2019


Dude, I parked my scooter in a parking space because it's a farking parking lot, and where the hell else am I going to park? No, I will not park on the sidewalk. That's illegal. Yes, I have every right to park in a parking space BECAUSE I AM PARKING and were I in my car, you'd never have noticed me.


Other dude, no, riding a scooter is not for wussies. I can ride a motorcycle. I choose to ride the scooter. It's fun, it's probably faster than that beater you rolled in on, it leans just like a bike, and did I mention it's fun? Also, I don't have to duck walk my ride out of the parking matter what I'm on. Sorry if you're not confident to lift both feet before you're moving at speed.


No, nice older lady, you cannot read what I'm writing. Not even over my shoulder. It wouldn't make sense out of context. Besides, your perfume is killing me. No, I don't want to hear about the story your 5 years old grandson wrote but I won't tell you to shut up, so go ahead and tell it. Yes, booger stories are gross, but so are 5 year old boys.


Other other dude, school's out, so there will be kids running around. Sorry if their giggling over in the corner clear across the store bothered you, but to be fair, one of them farted and farts are always funny. Seriously, I think the kid damn near lifted off the seat. Take your latte and go be old somewhere else.


Lady, I don't care what the person ahead of you has in their grocery cart. I'm just here to buy a slice of ham. That's it. I'm not here to pass judgment on a total stranger about the type of cereal she's buying or the fact that she has a lot of junk food. I don't care. It's none of my business, and it's none of yours. And no, I don't care that the guy in the line one over just dropped an f-bomb. It wasn't directed at me. It wasn't directed at anyone. All he did was utter "Well fuck me sideways," and I have no context. And I repeat, I don't care. It's just a word. And right now I wish you were using fewer of them.


Self, you should have worn all your gear. A nice, fast ride up the Interstate might have been better than going into Walmart. Next time...


Vicat said...

You should live feed your shopping trips

gizzylaw said...

I love you shopping days! They sooth my soul when I am standing in line listening to the people around me. I do hope you are soothed tonight with warm kitties and a full night of restful sleep! You deserve it. Love you!

Elisa said...

I agree

Mark's Mews (Ayla, Marley, and Laz) said...

My visits to Walmart are NEVER that much fun. Though mine has Comcast cable vendors trying to get conversions from Verizon Fios and I enjoy that!

The first few visits, I actually discussed it with them because I enjoy messing up salespeoples' minds with facts. Then later, they said they "weren't really COMCAST anymore, but "Xfinity", so told them to look at the name on their checks.

Lately, I just walk past and say "Verizon, and Comcast sucks".

They've been hanging out at Walmart 2 months now. Do they actually think there are people who only shop at Walmart once every 3 or 4 months? I go there every week for cat litter, a Sam's Club pizza (has really good flaky crust), and cheap gingerale for the nightly cocktail.

And the self-service checkout gets me out fast.

I may miss the Comcast salespeople when they eventually give up. Where else can you walk past people and say "Verizon and I hate Comcast" and not even mind the cart making funny noises as you push it past them?

I've considered printing out my standard reply and just handing it to them as a laugh.