13 February 2016

I rarely eat out on the weekends; it was a bad habit a long time ago, when I would run errands and stop for whatever fast food struck me as being edible, just because I could and eating out alone doesn't bother me. Yet today I found myself at Wendy's, scarfing down a burger, and halfway through I wondered why.

Not like, why was I hungry and eating a burger instead of something better, but why was I having fast food on a weekend at all? For most of last year, I was doing pretty good at losing weight (slowly) until I hit a wall in September...but I've done really good at maintaining that loss. Part of the losing weight was not eating out on the weekends when I'm out running around by myself (the Spouse Thingy and I during the week? Uh, yeah, we eat out too often...I track the calories, but still...) and I have been super frustrated lately for having lost that traction I had.

Now, the burger was good, no denying that. I wasn't going to stop eating it and throw it out. For a fast food burger, it was freaking tasty.

But why now? Why break my own don't-eat-out-alone not-really-a-rule-but-a rule? I'd been at Starbucks, went to the grocery store to pick up something to make for dinner (because I do cook on weekends, even if I suck at it) and without really thinking about it...there I was at Wendy's.

Then I realized I was kind of ticked off. Not at myself, because burgers happen, but had that deep-down, simmering, bitch-I-will-cut-you anger going on.

Then I was annoyed with myself, because in one giant thunderclap of a you're an idiot moment, I realized I was doing the whole cliched eating-my-feelings thing. I didn't even think about it, I just did it. Instead of lashing out at the person who had upset me, I went about my business, and while doing that I wandered straight into Oprah territory.

While I was at Starbucks, I posted a picture of my spiffy Doctor Who backpack that the Boy and his Significantly Better Half gave me for Christmas. I don't carry a purse, but I carry this, because it's awesome and I :heart: :heart: it.

I posted the picture because of this overly-enthusiastic woman sitting next to me who coveted it and was several degrees of OMG IT'S ADORABLE and OMG I HAVE TO HAVE ONE, and this little nagging voice in the back of my head thought she just might be the sort of person to grab and run. So I sat on part of it to make it harder to grab, and then took the picture.

No, she didn't take it. If she had, I would be asking y'all for bail money, not whining on a blog.

After I posted the picture, mostly amused, I went back to what I was writing. While I was lost in a scene in San Francisco, where Wick the cat watched as one of his companions walked right into a lamp post, a woman came in with her adult special-needs son, and I only noticed they'd come in because he was loud, making a singular sound over and over, and not noticing was (honestly) impossible.

Mom headed to the restroom with him, and we could all still hear him.

I went back to my writing. Tapping away at the keyboard, Wick was hiding his face in the Emperor's sweatshirt, because he did not want to see the aftermath of his friend stepping out into the street in front of a car. Just as Wick was about to look up again--because no one was screaming and the Emperor was only muttering things from the Bad Word List--the woman next to me leaned closer to me and said, "God, I hope those people leave. I don't know how I can stand it if they stay."

I didn't even look up, but she went on. "Really, what if they sit right here?"

I admitted, I did not care if they did.

"But you're working on something. He'll distract you."

I refrained from pointing out the obvious. "That's my problem, not his. He has every right to be here."

And that's when she went from just annoying me to me wanting to punch her square in the face. "Those people need to be kept at home so that normal people don't have to be bothered."

I have a temper, I know that.

I have the ability to inflict injury, I know that.

I have far less patience for idiots than I did even five years ago, I know that.

I wanted to punch her, and punch her hard, I know that.

What I did was close my laptop, and while I shoved it into my bag I said, "You know what? Fuck you."

And I left.

Then I went grocery shopping, and found myself at Wendy's, trying to smother that anger with a burger I didn't need, and trying to figure out what I was most angry about. That she was a raging farktard? Or that I lowered myself to her level with my parting words?

I don't know.

But I do know that heading into Wendy's was something I did subconsciously; I wasn't all that hungry, and there was food at home had I been. I wasn't eating a burger, I was eating my anger, and that, frankly, bothers me.


Random Felines said...

I would have posted bail for you....

Just Ducky said...

Yeah, chip in for bail money. Some people need to be told to F themselves for being stupid.

Sometimes we all do the, I am upset, therefore I eat.

conny warren said...

That idiot should be thankful to Wendy's. That burger probably saved her nose from getting broken.

Lucy Furr said...

I'd have probably done the same.

Cheysuli and gemini said...

The GoFundMe would have been awesome to get you out of jail. In fact, you could probably have funded Max's charities for years after... :).

Elisa Mahoney said...

I would have been in jail right beside you and the farktard would have learned all about herself in the process. We all need that soothing balm once in a while, be it ice cream, a loud meltdown in the car or a bite of tasty beefiness. It is not a sin to have that burger release and the fact that you saw it for what it was says an awful lot about how far you have come. I say, "PEOPLE AGAINST IDIOTS IN OUR SOCIETY UNITE. FIGHT FOR LAWS TO MAKE IT LEGAL TO SMACK THEM UPSIDE THE HEAD. " It's all good Thumper.


joanie caroon said...

That self absorbed idiot in starbucks certainly displayed her mental disability to you ... the fact that she opens her mouth and lets any stupid thought fall right out on innocent strangers. Could be a sign of brain damage.

Spitty-the-Kitty said...

Good response, WAAAAAAAAAAY after the fact:

Her: "But you're working on something. He'll distract you."
You: "Oh, you mean like you are now?"

But no points for tardy comebacks! And hey, it was a burger, not three burgers, four orders of fries, and a milkshake.

And I bet she'll think twice about spewing her mental bomit all over her neighbors in the future.

Eileen said...

It may not have been the best response but I totally get it. AND the eating one's feelings....I totally get that too.

caircair said...

Eating your feelings - at least you caught yourself and know what you were doing. I usually don't realize what's happened until after the entire pint of Ben & Jerry's is long gone.

Mark's Mews (Ayla, Iza, and Marley) said...

Wendy's is better than most places. I like their chili. It isn't real chili, but then I don't LIKE real chili.

But I haven't been there in years. Fast food...

I get a Big Mac about once a year. Sometimes less. It has everything my primitive brain says it wants: fat, sugar, easily-digestible meat.

So I understand...

Decades ago, I decided to learn to like "good foods". Not in one of those cultish-dietish ways, just "like" for the flavor. My typical dinner is a large tossed salad w/ italian dressing (I swear, I could drink that stuff straight from the bottle), 3-4 oz of some meat, and 3 sides of veggies of different colors. As in 1/2 pork chop, tossed salad, steamed carrots, steamed brussel sprouts, and some little starch like potatoe or rice. With 2 or 3 glasses of wine...

Followed by mixed fresh fruits.

Eating food for anger or unhappiness is not really good. Keep an apple in your pocket next time you go out... :)